148] – [Self]

Opening his eyes, Alexander took a few moments to adjust himself. He was standing, leisurely floating in the middle of an empty world. Everywhere he looked, shades of silver appeared. Up and down, a halo of white gave a bit of light.

'Where the hell did I end up..?' Scanning his surroundings, he was still at a complete loss. However, he could tell himself to not be present as a physical entity. He was also unsure if he was here as a soul or mind.

Perplexed, he suddenly noticed movement. Ahead, not so far from away him, a set of faint shockwaves rippled in the middle of nowhere. From these, a hazy black mist emerged.

Shaping a figure, colors began to pulsate upon it.

'?!'

His eyes wide open, Alexander wondered if he was playing tricks with himself. If not, did someone dig up his memories? Since, just in front of him, a very familiar person looked at him straight in the eyes.

"Stop." With a single raise of his hand and a powerful tone, the young figure of a man only exclaimed one word.

"Now this isn't funny…" Startled, Alexander squinted his eyes. Just the word from this being sent a strange buzz ringing in his ears, a strange distorted veil covering his rationality. But even then, it was not enough when compared with the figure's appearance.

This youth of short hair and nostalgic coat rang the bells of his past.

There laid a vision of the deepest of memories, a fragment of his life.

"Why is he here?" What should have been a discreet thought was directly spoken, startling him slightly.

Obviously heard, the words ignited a lucidity within the youth ahead.

"Why is he

here? My… oh my…"

"Why are you phrasing it this way? Aren't you and I the same person?" Smiling from ear to ear, like an angel overlooking the famished, the youth directly spoke of the glaring inconsistency.

His light chuckle escaping as well, this same bout of innocent laughter sent esoteric waves at Alexander's body. A darkness slowly but surely covering his senses. Overshadowing their twinkling radiances.

"Oh! But how could I forget? You call yourself Alexander now, don't you? What a way to discredit our parents!"

"…" An ugly face presenting itself, Alexander's face contorted with a mix of emotions. Amidst them, disbelief gripped his vision.

"Are you not talking? Why? Am I not welcomed? Is that it?!" The youth's face frowning with a red tint, his teeth were shown along his abrupt fit of anger.

"You became so cocky!" Noticing Alexander to not be paying attention, gazing around in search of explanations, the youth was irritated.

"Where are you looking at?! Look at me!" A mighty force echoing around the silver world, Alexander's neck was forced to turn, his eyes obligated to watch.

"That's better… yes… much better…" Another change of attitude exposed, the youth scratched his face with obstinate nails. On the other side, Alexander's field of view darkened slightly. Each word spoken, his vision would dim, a drastic difference from before already visible.

Yet, he could not tell a change. His buzzing ears perking to hear more.

"Ah~"

"What a strange turn of events… I feel so betrayed right now… did you know? You don't seem to. After all, mister Alexander here is so all mighty! So grand and powerful! So how could such an important, sorry, self-important figure care about little me?"

"You just don't, do you now?" Sighing jokingly, the youth looked like Alexander, albeit only instinctively.

"It's fine. I don't need you to care about me. I only need you to care about yourself." Another wave of energy spreading out, it once again darkened his vision. The leftover ripple across the silver world caused its luster to fade for a moment.

"But… shouldn't that amount to the same thing in the end? I mean, I'm pretty sure you care about yourself, right? So, why not care about me then?"

"Aren't we the same person? Just because you are in the present does not discredit my existence, now does it?" Smiling kindly, the younger Alexander faded away, turning into black smoke.

This smoke orbited Alexander, soon whispering sweet words to his seemingly deaf ears.

"But you know…"

"…even if you act so mighty…"

"…even if you do so much…"

"…it won't ever matter…"

The silver world losing a few shades of silver, the smoke did not stop. It intensified the buzz in his ears, the strange veil around his mind.

"…you are so strong, yet so weak…"

"…unaware of your own shortcomings…"

"…unable to discern glee from pain…"

"…lone in the forest, destined for failure…"

"…to live and die as a lonely man… a little boy…"

"…a body so old…"

"…a mind so immature..!"

"…do you not desire it..?"

"Or, can you not feel it?" Coming back to his original position, the youth of the past reappeared. His smile having never left his face. Still whispering secrets to him, even from afar.

"Always working so hard… but I know. No matter how well you hide it… can you hide it from me?"

"Little~ Alexander~ is always so lonely~ He can! Never~! Enjoy~! Any~thing!"

"Always hiding it~" Giggling, the youth began to change, a black mist covering him fully. Like the birth of a demon. Eyes of playful contempt, like a jester, enjoying his work.

"Remember. Remember your past. The one you cannot bear to look at… the one you despise… Reel into the miseries of the forgotten!"

"Drown in the tendrils of despair!"

"Can you see it yet? Look at how disgusting I am. Rejecting me. Rejecting yourself."

"I am sad you know?"

"The skyscrapers all around you, no, all around your home. Your tiny, tiny little home. Not so many windows to look through… It's such a bad place, am I right?" Laughing again and again, the dark jester coldly gazed at the immobile body of Alexander. He was still stuck, his mouth closed.

A deep abyss slowly crawling into his eyes. The white noise piercing his eardrums. The intensifying loss of reason!

Plop.

"Oh~? You seem to be remembering it now~ So funny!" His repeated laugh turning deep and angry, forced beyond necessary, the jester felt imposing.

A rough demonic voice echoing.

"Why are you shedding a tear now? It's too late! You cannot change it! The past is the past! You are stuck with the memories of depression and anxiety for eternity! The longer you live, the stronger they will become! Stuck in your little house months at a time! Unable to talk to people! Fearing the impossible odds to be against you! Always cowering in fear of a meteor striking you from above!"

"You cannot escape it!! Engraved in your bones with a rusty blade! Memories forever expanding! You will remember Earth until the end of time! Even if you deny it! Even if you change! Even if you succeed! No matter how little those memories cover over your incredibly long life! Seared in your heart!"

"I am still there! And will always be behind you!"

"I am the odds you always feared! I am the proof of your imperfections!"

"A cultivator? What bullshit!"

"Nothing but an act from a little boy still stuck in his wonderland!" The strong and rough voice receding, the dark humanoid mist spoke with clarity. A young voice of a mortal.

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

"You, who couldn't kill a dog or a cat… You, who couldn't find the guts to revolt against oppression… You, who couldn't make a difference in your own life…"

"You, who couldn't do a single thing… Becoming like this?"

"Don't make me laugh. It is plain stupid. You did nothing. This is all but a dream. And it is time to wake up from it."

Words of despite. Heard clearly.

Even without the strange power from before. Even without the ability of prior.

The words of a mortal may not hurt. But the words of his own self always will.

And with a small sound, another tear fell down.

Tendrils of darkness wrapped around his white robes and silver hair. Attempting to cover his silver eyes. His memories of the near past overshadowed by the distant one.

The buzz still there. The veil even more opaque. Now a rumble in his heart.

He was lost.

Where was he?

What was he doing?

Who was he?

Why did he feel so many conflicting emotions?

Sorrow. Guilt.

Unable to deny these words when he should. Unwilling to change when he could.

Avoiding a past, now baring its fangs at him.

A greed never tamed nor utilized properly. Lusting after freedom, begging to save himself from mortality.

Ever since then.

Ever since his very first ascension.

He felt lost.

Able to adapt, able to overcome obstacles… Getting used to everything so smoothly. He always felt this strange sensation. This sensation that only grew.

A small seed turning into a towering tree. Feeding on his mind, rotting away his eyes.

Always out of touch.

Ever since that day, his vision only receded more. His field of view so far away, unable to enjoy what it should. Bored to death.

One of the unfortunate pillars of his life. Boredom.

The curse of Immortality. The pain of a long life. When everything cannot be enjoyed any longer. When everything feels so boring. Always yearning for a bout of excitement. Dreaming for a change of horizon.

But he also felt a pain. An itch. A stabbing heat. A mixture of everything. Regretting his past decisions. Always damning his mortal self.

Always blaming him! Always taking it out on him! Lashing out on his unfulfilled hopes and dreams!

Why was he so confused? Why was it so hard to be happy?! Why couldn't he just live for the sake of it!?

Still missing a secret.

Thrilling anger. Hearing the youth who should have been the most happy about his accomplishments belittle his life.

No words enough to describe this sense of treason.

Two beings betraying each other. Yet, they both came from one.

Proof unneeded, merits unacknowledged.

Demerits praised.

Nothing he did seemed worthy.

Nothing he accomplished appeared legitimate.

Spat upon by his very own past. His very own history.

He could tell his flame to be growing. He could feel his true self to be changing.

Always a strange mist of silver shielding his core. Attained from the unknown.

Purging his confusion.

"You are nothing but a lost little boy! Nothing more than a speck of dust grabbing onto a silly reason! Playing a game in your head!"

"Nothing but disappointment! Not just to me! Not just to yourself! To everyone!"

"Listen to my words…" The rough voice returning, it did not shout this time, only whispering.

"Feel them in you."

"Be honest. Stop lying to yourself. You always feel like dreaming. Wondering if you are truly free."

"And you are dreaming. Who says you actually managed to escape with your soul?"

"Come on! Leaving the Universe?! Are you dumb? How could you do it and not someone else? There are no Multiverse or Celestial whatever! You are still on Earth."

"A coma? Heart attack? Actually, are you even alive? If you are alive, are you in a hospital bed? Passed out? You know! You know how powerful the mind can be! You know how screwed the flow of time can become inside your brain!"

"Everything here is fake!"

The voice growing, it screamed directly in his mind.

"So wake up!!"

His pupils trembling, Alexander looked around, lost. His cheeks were wet, his eyes blurry. A sting in his heart, a heat in his core.

The buzz never left, making him blink incessantly. He could not move, dark tendrils embracing him.

"It's time to go home." A sentence final.

The tendrils tightening, Alexander felt a pull. His body was being dragged deeper into the silver world's horizon, now pitch black.

The halos of light above and below dimming each second.

The dread of childhood. The dread of mortality.

Losing it all? How could he accept it?!

"No! Let me out! I'm not going back! I'm never going back!"

"Stop struggling. There is point in deceiving yourself. Come back to me. Come back to all of us."

"There is no point in screaming or moving. Let it all go. Come back to Earth! Return to your roots! Live in pain! Accept it!"

"You will never escape it!"

Left in the dark world, a jester and an agitated man. Each second passing, throughout the distance he was being dragged, Alexander saw his past flash before his eyes.

He did not have it the worst. But the difficulties of mental sufferings were vividly infernal. Always living in darkness, paralyzed, unable to move. Stuck on a chair or a bed, his own suicidal mind sealed inside an eternal vessel.

Chains from the unknown impaling his flesh. Always fearing over nothing. Always dreaming of the impossible. Always yearning for the escape!

Forever doomed into the pit!

"You can't! I'm not going back! Let me fucking go! I'll kill you!!" Fear turning into anger, the usually composed Alexander was bare to the world. Desperately tearing apart the tendrils who kept coming back. Slowly reducing the pull. Stopping. Before slowly advancing.

He felt angrier and angrier. His lifetime work, about to be nullified. The buzz echoing. The veil blinding.

His core burning.

"Ohohoh! So we have a fighter now?" Palming forward, the jester sent an ominous shockwave forward.

As it hit Alexander, he also spoke.

"But it's too late. Why couldn't you do it before? Why couldn't you move!? Why couldn't you do anything?!!" Shouting louder and louder, proof of his own feelings.

"Nothing but a disappointment! A lowly piece of shit who doesn't deserve any of it! Why can't you save us!? Why couldn't you live?!"

"WHY COULDN'T YOU SAVE ME!!!"

"You…" Pushed far away, Alexander's body took the blunt of the shockwave, his skin and flesh teared apart. Left with a brittle skeleton laying on the void.

Stranded in darkness, the tendrils playing with his bones. Gazing at the void.

He heard it. He felt it.

He hated it!

Wanting to cry all day, wanting to end it all each moment. Unwilling to suffer for decades. The frail mind of his younger self crumbling between his fingers.

The dust of time unforgiving.

A river always inside him. A sense of failure he would never dismiss.

A past he could not forget. A past he could not deny.

A past he could not bear to look at.

He did not understand why.

A small planet, a small world, insignificant. It should have been.

No matter what he did, he could never erase it.

A brand on his mind, deeply rooted. An origin he could not get rid of.

A fraction of his memories, of his entire life, always the clearest. The further he went from Earth, the further his field of vision would be. Feeling like he was not seeing anything through his eyes. Always stuck as a passerby.

Even he did not believe it.

It felt so surreal.

Could it all be true?

So he asked himself.

"I already gave up long ago. Ever since I was a child."

"So why should I care now?"

"Why should I live on Earth when I can stay here?"

Perking his ears, a demon left asunder.

"What are you mumbling about now? You gave up! So make it right!"

"So atone for your sins!"

"Atone for all of us! Pray for ours souls! Pray for us! Your demise proof of our mark!"

"Shut it."

Silence. A sentence enough to drown the darkness. Alexander's skeleton soon reforming flesh and skin.

"I don't care anymore. Even if it is fake!"

"Then so be it!"

"I will live for myself! Not for you! No matter how much you say… I already banished you from my past!"

"You don't deserve my time! You don't deserve my presence!"

"A mere fragment of the past is not worth my evolution!"

"So now shut your mouth."

Silence once again. Emotions left to fester.

The playful jester was ashen. Glaring at him from his depths.

"Fine. Keep yapping. This won't change anything."

"…" Standing up, Alexander looked on. The younger him, despising him, talking to him. The tendrils rushed back, restraining him. Yet he refused. Tearing them apart bare handed.

Black blood splattered everywhere, coloring his robes.

"I told you to shut it." Taking heavy steps forward, the buzz in his ears became violent, the veil over his mind trembling.

His mind resurging, shouting in denial. Screaming in all directions, stuck against the sticky veil. Attempting to tear it apart!

His core exploded!

A silver flame birthed anew!

Eyes filled with domination! A heart sealed away, quenched from the roaring inferno.

A single move enough to disperse the darkness! A single thought obliterating the doubts!

"A little rat like you dares to rob my senses?! A little bug like you hopes to restrain me!?"

Gritted teeth igniting sparks, a glare freezing the souls, Alexander's core was being pulled. Rising higher and higher. Fusing with his heart. Fusing with his mind.

The strange world around them regaining a long lost silver. Warped colors erupting. Alexander left without any. As none of them would dare approach him.

As only a variation remained!

Black and white painting his figure. Silver escaping his eyes and hair. A hand leisurely elevated. Resting, a palm facing the abyss.

A giant palm of silver suddenly falling down! Covering the world, becoming the new sky!

Drowning the senses! Overshadowing one's worldview!

"A mere cockroach thinks he can destroy me?! You are nothing but a sinner! Never able to reach my heights! Stuck in the past!"

"Now facing the Supreme One!"

Shivering as if frozen all over, the jester's smile disappeared, the new silver sky falling on his head. Unable to disperse it, unable to contend with it!

The collapse of the sky crushing his being into nothingness!

Dark smoke escaping his entrails, turning into dust.

The howling winds of origin pushing him away.

But.

It was not over yet. It had only just begun.

"…" Coldly staring at a spot far away, Alexander saw the dust merge, reforming a body. Darkness contending with silver once again.

"How great!"

"Truly!" Wide arms welcoming his decision, the youth's smile resurfaced. Now even brighter than ever before. A smile he never even showed when living on Earth.

"There is something you seem to have forgotten, Alexander. Something you should have always kept in mind since understanding this profound Dao."

"The Dao of Supremacy sure is grand. But I wonder…"

Veins bulging, Alexander became irritated. This being unwilling to leave him alone. Indeed a cockroach.

But this bug was not so easy to offend.

"What is it then? I think I'll just squash you again."

"Oh! But you won't!" The whispers coming back, the young man pointed toward Alexander.

"Because, I wonder if your words from earlier…"

Feeling a sense of dread, Alexander became agitated. Something was wrong, but he could not put his finger on it. Thankfully, his younger self would help him.

"Do you dare say those words again to the giant eyeball behind you?"

"?!" His face warping, Alexander felt cold sweats trickle down his forehead. His formerly said words and formerly done actions quenched as well.

Slowly turning his head around, his silver eye reflected the empty silver world. And when he blinked, this same reflection gained a gigantic eye staring at him. Crackling blue lightning whipping the void all around.

It gazed at his depths with ease, analyzing his every move.

"I…"

"…got tricked..?"

Still looking at him, the youth spoke with fervor. Tears falling down, his formerly playful expression vanishing.

"I don't want to live anymore! I am sick of being stuck inside your past! Inside your eternal suffering! For so many eras!"

It was obvious now. Even with the buzz and veil shielding him from the truth, it was blatant.

And thinking about it some more, he realized himself to have failed. He did not anticipate it.

Now in between a Heart Demon, a shard of his past, but more importantly, a shard of time, and the Heavens' wrath.

A tribulation having gone haywire.

"I…" He was unable to form a sentence. There was no point anyway. This Heart Demon was not just a piece of him fighting back. It was also part of his tribulation.

An entity having relived his past since he left Earth. For more than a trillion years. And clearly, remembering the words from before, this Heart Demon was only a part of it. There were more, far more. Also stuck in his past, hating what he became. Hating the man who abandoned them!

Left behind to rot in hell! Unable to experience the wonders of outside!

He realized it.

In the cultivation world, where everything was out to get you, even your own history was part of it. Even your past and maybe even your future would jump out, hoping to devour their host.

But he did not really have much time to think, ignoring the weeping child behind, his hands clasped behind his back. Unwilling to face his torn past.

Left as well, with a life-and-death struggle.

Left all alone against the wrath of the mightiest Heavens!